What I Want More Than Anything

On Saturday I said that I would come back on Monday with a Marvelous Monday post, but I have something else to get off of my chest instead. So, Marvelous Monday will have to wait until next week. Sorry, Katie. 

I wrote todays post on Thursday, February 7th, but since Friday was HFF, I didnt have a chance to publish it until today. 

Even though the post was written a few days ago and a lot has changed over the weekend, I think its still important to share it with you. I share a flood of emotions and I really want you to know the frustrations I was feeling on Thursday. 

Over the weekend a lot happened, though. I made many changes and am feeling many different emotions now. I will update you on my weekend and changes tomorrow, but for now please enjoy this post!God has blessed us with so much.A mind to think with a heart to love with ears to listen with and so so much more.

I try my best to show God how grateful I am for these gifts each and every day, but Ive realized that maybe Im not doing my best and that frustrates me to no end.

The area I would most like to improve in is listening. 

Personally, its very hard for me to listen to my body. More specifically, its very hard for me to listen to my hunger cues.

For such a long time, Ive been following some sort of plan in regards to how I eat. No, I dont follow a diet, but I definitely follow a plan.

I make sure I eat every 2 3 hours (hungry or not) and I also make sure that the majority of these meals include protein, carbs, and fat. I try to have an equal amount of protein to carbs by the end of the day as well as an appropriate amount of fat. But, by doing this, I am definitely not listening to my body as I so badly want to be doing.

You see this here?

IMG_5750

This is my weigh scale. But, really, its not only my weigh scale. Its my best friend in the kitchen. As embarrassing as that is to say, its true. And I hate that.

I hate turning it on, hearing it beep, and weighing my chicken, fish, sweet potato, etc. just to make sure I am getting what I need.

But really, what do I need? Do I really need to be weighing my food to make sure I am getting enough ounces of chicken breast for each meal? Or do I need to start listening to my body?

feel like I want to start listening to my body, but I havent in such a long time so there is a lot of fear when I think about letting go of my scale and just eating by listening to my hunger cues.

It sounds silly, but I dont know how to just eat.

Yes, hearing myself say that out loud and seeing those words typed out on to the screen in front of me is absolutely bizarre, but I need to be honest with myself. I do not know how to go through a single day and eat without following a plan.

One of the biggest things holding me back from throwing away any sort of plan I follow and listen to my hunger cues instead is the fear of not eating enough. What if I dont feel hungry at all throughout the day? I have those days every once and a while. You know, always feeling content and never experiencing that tickle in your tummy telling you its time to eat! In fact, I just had one of those days, but I ate anyways because I am following a plan. Im trying to gain weight and I know my body needs the fuel, so I ate continuously throughout the day even though I wasnt the slightest bit hungry for any of my meals.

If I would have just listened to my body on this particular day instead of following my plan would I have ate enough food by the end of the day? Personally, I fear that I wouldnt have. I am trying very hard to put on weight and if I was to not eat enough throughout the day just because I didnt feel hungry I know I would never reach my goals.

Im an active person. I do four 1 hour long strength training sessions each week and I have to fuel my active lifestyle. So, I am mindful throughout the day and make sure I am getting more than what I burn throughout the day.

I have been successful at putting on over 7 lbs. over the past three weeks, but would I have been able to accomplish this by simply listening to my hunger cues? I havent listened to my hunger cues in such a long time that I truly do not know if I would have been able to or not.

To gain those 7 lbs. it took a lot of work on my part. I ate many meals feeling full to the brim before taking my first bite, which again leads me to thinking that if I listened to my hunger cues I wouldnt have been able to achieve those gains.

During this past summer, I was dealing with this exact same issue so I gave intuitive eating a shot (as you can see, Ive been frustrated with this particular eating style for quite some time and so badly want to be an intuitive eater). Unfortunately, I lost weight and now I am dealing with the consequences still trying to gain weight to this day.

So, should I learn from past experiences and just accept the fact that I need to eat x amount of food each and every day whether Im hungry or not? Or is there a way for me to become an intuitive eater and actually gain weight?

Im very proud of myself for opening up today and sharing my thoughts with you. If youve been in the same situation as me, please offer your comments below. Have you become an intuitive eater? How did you become an intuitive eater? 

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